If Alf were a Murderer

I sit on the top step of our stairs, exchanging live messages with my daughter via messenger. I am suddenly interrupted by a slurping sound followed by an outpouring of breath. I silently peep down through the bannister to take in an arial view of Alf, sat in the foyer below me, mug of English Breakfast tea in hand.

I know there will be a sequence of three or four slurps and breaths before there will be a break. The front door is opened letting in a mild breeze and he is enjoying a rest after several hours of working in the greenhouse. I abandon my chat for a bit to work out how to take a recording. I wait for the next round. I so hope my phone captures the full effect of what the acoustic of the stone clad floor is adding to an already notable noise. I send  the recording to my daughter. No comment is required.

We have raised this before with Alf. He insists that the slurping is a means by which to cool down his tea. We are confused by this theory as one would expect the tea to be cooling as he drinks and therefore the slurping to subside however the Breakfast Tea symphony is always played at Forte throughout. I take 3 further recordings while he drains the rest of his tea which can only be tepid at best.

He puts down his tea to free up his hands to grab a tissue. HHHRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP. Unbelievable. As I am regretting turning off my recorder, missing the foghorn gem, he shouts my name as if I were in the next parish. I jump, recover and look down through the banisters again. Yes dad, I say quietly. He looks up and laughs and says that he didn’t realise I was there. That much is abundantly clear. He is distracted by the arrival of someone coming to buy some of his excess plants. I hear my husband say to our visitor that he is after his father-in-law. Alf walks out on cue remarking that he is looking for the one with hair. Alf never tires of the bald jokes. If only he had an arial view of his own barnet I think, as I do now.

If Alf were the murderer in the game of Cluedo (Clue for US readers), he would be Friar Tuck, in the foyer with a foghorn.

Click on the link below to join me at the top of the stairs for a few seconds.