Alf visits Connecticut niece

Alf left Jersey for a spell this year to travel to the US to see friends and family and generally leave behind the island weather for a bit. During this trip, he spent a weekend with my cousin. Alf and her father are brothers. As I grew up in the US and she in the UK, we saw each other some summers and on special family occasions and once we were more independent, as often as we could. We day-dreamed that one day, either I would marry an Englishman or she an American and we imagined enjoying non-stop partying and incessant giggling on a more permanent basis. We made a right hash of our plan as it happens, by both marrying men from across the pond, so in effect, swapping home countries. Despite the distance involved we remain close. When we are together now we still practice a dumbed down version of our partying and the giggling is probably even more incessant.

When my cousin moved to the States, Alf took on the role of her “US father” and as such, she probably has the best understanding of the plethora of good and smattering of otherwise that it is to be Alf’s daughter. Since Alf spent a weekend with my cousin in February, I thought it would be appropriate to invite her to write about anything of note in a sort of guest blog. She came up trumps relaying the following tales in blue which are accompanied by a few of my smart ass asides in green.

As a child growing up in England, I remember that we looked forward to Alf’s visits with much anticipation. Family gatherings always brought plenty of laughter and fun activities but it was always louder, even more fun and much more competitive when Alf was there! For these few days, the language we heard was much more colourful. It was always assumed that these words were not to be repeated, but somehow, when Alf was around, the rules changed. I’m sure this is just the way he wanted it. His recent weekend visit did not deviate from this format. Still larger than life, there is never a dull moment when he is around. Personally, I think dull moments can be grossly under-rated.

He arrived with a very nice 8lb piece of beef tenderloin, some enormous shrimp (for which he is renowned) and two large bottles of vodka. He does not do things by halves. Ahem, apart from the half-price chicken thighs from Iceland that he rocks up with at home. One – nil to Connecticut daughter.

As the weekend approached, I have my cousin’s voice in my head, describing what she calls the AAA scale, (Alf Anxiety Altimeter). It wasn’t until a trip to Walmart, (I told you there were always exciting activities when Alf is around), that my own AAA began to register. He insisted on showing me how annoyed the cashiers get when you spin the plastic bag carousel around really fast. He is correct. They do get very annoyed.

Still in Walmart, Alf takes a call from a friend and he is informed that his friend’s girlfriend works there. Alf makes it his mission to find her. As he does, he approaches her with open arms as if he had known her for ages. He is delighted with himself at her surprise. To her credit, she plays along despite having no idea who he is, She lets him give her a big hug without smacking him or reporting him for harassment.

We went to visit an old friend of his. It is pouring with rain and he calls her on his flip phone while we are sat in the car in her drive. She doesn’t answer her phone. While he is leaving a rude message, she opens the door to investigate the car in the drive. She is not holding a phone and it is obvious to me that she has not been listening to the message yet he is still talking when she realises who it is and jumps in the car with us. Their conversation is easy and many old stories were retold. She was not at all surprised by his constant attempts to shock. I hear my cousins voice again.

We took Alf to a trivia evening at a local bar. We are asked “What part of a man’s body grows up to eight times its usual size when he sees an attractive woman”? Alf has so many options with which to shock us all, he is like a kid in a candy store! The boring answer, pupils, was not among Alf’s suggestions.

We put on a dinner party that weekend. I had read my cousin’s previous blogs so I knew this was a bit risky but figured it would be fine as most of the guests knew him, some of which he invited himself.  This is where he has the potential to shine but I have sat around my dining room table with him enough times to know that he can sometimes go too far and I have watched the changing facial expressions of friends and family in attendance. The AAA scale was never far from my mind. Thankfully, he was on good form, funny if loud, and a great time was had by all.

We visit my daughter and her fiance. His father is also there and it doesn’t take he and Alf long to pal up. “I could tell you a few stories about that girl”, started Alf. My daughter looked scared and I attempted to steer the conversation in a different direction, without success. The two of them shared some stories and to Alf’s credit (there is a largely unused expression), he was very kind and well-behaved.

My cousin is absolutely right, it is like having a kid around!

I Skype my cousin and Alf while he is away to see how they are getting on. They are laughing side by side on the settee as she tells me that he came down from the guest bedroom on his first morning and commented that the room was great, it was just missing a window. She pointed out that the window in the guest bedroom can be found directly behind the curtains in the guest bedroom. You were expecting a puppet show Alf?

My husband and I went for breakfast on the north coast of the island one Saturday morning while Alf was away. The view across to Guernsey was stunning and I posted a photo on Facebook. My cousin replied with a shot of my father just surfacing the same morning saying “This is my view this morning. You win”!

Thank you so much, CT cousin for your snippets and even more for your empathy. I hope to drink wine and giggle with you again very soon.