Pimping out Alf

It is time for Alf to meet a woman.

He keeps himself occupied around the house and he visits various people he has met dotted around the island but I’m sure if he had someone besides us to think about, life would be much more interesting. A companion for the cinema, a date for dinner, maybe more, as they say in the lonely hearts ads!

Historically, landing a lady is not an area of Alf’s life where he has had to put in a scrap of effort. We are talking about this at dinner one night and no-one is more astounded than him that this has been the case. He isn’t boasting. It is true. I have seen it over many years. That isn’t at all to say that once he does land them he doesn’t put in any effort but at 79, having to consider how this is going to happen in the future must be quite daunting.

This is where you come in, readers. Let us unashamedly find Alf a date!

I have been doing a bit of research in respect of this cause, starting with taking a look at dating websites to try to get an idea of how to set out his stall, as it were. There is an astounding number of these sites, some of them quite specific:

sugar daddy Alf would be an older man to many and he is in the black, but I don’t think he would be quite what the ladies looking for love on this site were expecting.

veggie date Alf is into growing, cooking and eating veg, but not to the exclusion of a juicy steak.

Meet for older dating (over 40s) Perhaps at nearly double the minimum age, Alf is a touch overqualified?

geek2geek smartass2smartass maybe.

christianmingle Alf recently unashamedly accepted an offer of a massage from two born again healing-handed women at a car boot sale, who did not begin to convince him to see the error of his ways.

tattoossingles Alf doesn’t qualify as yet to my knowledge, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

farmers only I wonder if retired farmers count?

I stole questions from a host of different sites and cobbled together a sort of questionnaire with which to interview Alf:

Me: What do you think are the three best traits you have to offer a partner?

Alf: easy to get along with; fun to be with; up for anything that goes

Me: What are you looking for in a relationship partner?

Alf: Someone who is humorous, friendly, up for adventures, companionship and possible luuurrve. I added that last bit. Hee hee.

Me: What is the one thing you are most passionate about?

Alf: Gardening

Me: What is the most adventurous thing you have done in the last year?

Alf: I went to Canada to be an expert witness in a case involving a bull.

Me: What types of activities do you regularly enjoy?

Alf: petanque, cooking, the sauna, gardening

Me: Who was the author of the last book you read and enjoyed?

Alf: Dawn French

Me: Whats the worst pickup line you ever used.

Alf: I never needed them until now. I’m open to suggestions.

Me: Who has been the most influential person in your life?

Alf: Mark Westaway. He was entreprenurial in the field of agriculture. I did a years apprenticeship for him before going to agricultural college.

Me: What are your three best life skills?

Alf: Cooking, problem solving, entertaining

Me: What is your ideal first date?

Alf: A good bottle of wine, a good steak and a good talk

Me: What, for you, is a relationship dealbreaker?

Alf: constant mobile phone use, especially at the table

Me: What is your biggest regret in life?

Alf: The breakdown of my second marriage.

Me: If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?

Alf: New Zealand because of its agricultural diversity. It would be very different to the UK and it would be interesting. I once worked with some Kiwis collecting deer semen.

Me: If you had to choose one world problem to solve for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Alf: Fresh water for everyone.

Me: What are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Alf: Go for it.

Me: Describe yourself.

Alf: 5 ’10”; 20lbs (1.1/2 stones) overweight but working on it; had one new knee and soon to have a new hip and will then be like the bionic man; fun-loving

My evaluation: All of the above plus he needs a haircut.

It is now in your capable hands, Jersey folk! Approach any ladies you know who might like to go on a date with Alf and if they agree, private message me via “email the author” using this site or leave a comment.

Perhaps have any potential dates read my previous blogs so they know what they are in for!